I have always been an indecisive person. I struggle with the simplest decisions, hemming and hawing and turning over possible scenarios and outcomes. A dear friend says my struggle to make decisions stems from shame–a deep rooted fear that I am not enough and that I am incapable of making choices. I believe this is true, for my inner-critic constantly taunts me and fills my mind with self-doubt whenever I attempt to make a decision.
This shame was further embedded into my heart by religion. It was clear to me throughout my teens and early adulthood that I needed God to make decisions for me. “Waiting on God” became the justifying remedy to indecision. My fear of making the wrong choice and veering off God’s “perfect plan for my life”, kept me from developing decision-making skills. It was a way of seeming to be a person of great faith, but in actuality, a terrified decision-phobe.
Though I have struggled with and been hurt by the church, I know God well enough to realise that He isn’t behind all this nonsense. One of my favourite concepts that my therapist has introduced me to is the idea of co-creating with God. As a dreamy-headed INFP with a creative bent, I love this idea. I love it far more than the nail-biting, waiting-on-a-sign-from-God paralysis of my upbringing.
I must make it abundantly clear that I have not abandoned God; I have just abandoned religiosity. I have given up on all the things religious people told me that do not line up with the character of God, or the reality of my experience as His child. I have spent so many years making myself unhappy in order to make God happy, but I am beginning to sense that this isn’t the point of it all.
While I believe that I, as a self-proclaimed Jesus follower, should make it my aim to honour God in all things, I no longer feel that in order to do that, I must fully abandon myself. After all, He made me; why would God put gifts and passions and desires in me just to watch me shove them all down, in order to “please Him?” Perhaps, and I am no theologian, God puts in us exactly what He wishes to bring forth in us. Perhaps following one’s passions and interests isn’t veering from God’s plan at all, but living it.
Last week in my therapist’s office, unbidden tears sprang up as I shared how unhappy and lost I felt. My therapist, a gentle and wise man, told me something I will never forget:
“You must claim your sacred place in the world.”
How does one claim one’s sacred place in the world? By making choices.
I sense that God wants to co-create a life with me, one that brings me joy and Him glory. It may seem “holier” to wait on God to drop a neon sign from the sky, but I believe it’s just fear dressed in a robe and rosary. He wants me to claim my sacred place in the world, not wander aimlessly on it.
Let’s find our sacred place in the world and co-create with God. Let’s be doers and wise decision makers. Let’s use our faith actively to accomplish whatever we want to do.
In the words of St. Augustine, let’s love God and do what we please.